IF GOD WAS A WOMAN

If God was a woman there would be much evidence to see
Salad would be full of calories and chocolate fat free
Scales would register backwards and there’d be only good hair days
And men wouldn’t need a whole lifetime, to understand our ways
The remote control’s design would be fluffy and quite sweet
And the Ten Commandments would refer to the toilet seat
If God was a woman, she’d have given us legs so smooth
And there would be no constant worship of the tanning booth
The Church would have more cushions and the altar would be pink
And it would be a sin to spend too long at the kitchen sink
Males would have a gene that meant they could ask for directions
And not suffer stress while assembling furniture in sections
When my days are over and I’m looking peaceful in my shroud
Then will I meet my Maker, waiting high up on a cloud?
If there’s a scented plug-in and a cute little dog nearby
I’ll know I was mistaken about that presence in the sky

Cold War

I’m going to ask a question, I’m really not sure why
I hope that there’ll be honesty if you should reply
Say someone turned up now and into your kitchen strayed
Then they opened up your fridge – would you be afraid?
Have you got half a pizza which you have forgotten
And a slimy goo, of tomatoes going rotten
Is there a bowl that’s covered, lurking at the back
You lift the lid standing back, as if it will attack?
Inside maybe some rice, which now has turned to glue
It came with kung pao chicken, or maybe egg fung yu
Is there a piece of something stuck to the icy wall
You know not what it is – if it ever was at all
One day you know it’s time, and you throw it all away
You clean from top to bottom, it nearly takes all day
At last the shelves are gleaming, of dirt there’s not a drop
But hey now we’ve nothing in, let’s head off to the shop!!

Sam and Ella

Who are these Sam and Ella, we hear about each day

What happened to the wholesome eggs that chickens used to lay?

Melamine in dog food, E. Coli in our beef

And beware the outcome if you don't wash that lettuce leaf

A sharp blow from Bluto is when poor Popeye fainted

Not from eating spinach, bacterially tainted

High fructose corn syrup is in everything it seems

From our breakfast cereal to what used to be baked beans

Be careful eating peanuts they've all been recalled

They showed us the processing plant - we were all appalled

I can't take much more, I'm at the end of my tether

So please tell that Sam and Ella "get your act together!!"

Weak End

For most of us it seems, who have a standard working week 

"TGIF!" on Friday is the first thing that we speak

Friday night - it feels so good with those two days ahead

When you have no noisy alarm to drag you out of bed

Shopping, watching movies, maybe sitting in the sun

If we did it every single day would it be such fun?

Unless we win the lottery we probably won't know

But I have to say I wouldn't mind, giving it a go

You stay up late at weekends, until you're tired and yawning

And then you think in horror - tomorrow's Monday morning !!

Hose Down

Don't ask me, it's a mystery

Where odd socks go in the wash

They seem to need security

When first in the water they slosh

With their partner they stay near

Seeming a little bit shy

Then at some point they lose their fear

And wave a watery goodbye

When you empty out the drum

And try to reunite the pair

That's when frustration starts to come

Because one of them's not there!

Soon

Always soon, when I've done this or that

Life will be perfect, I'll have it off pat

When I've moved, got thinner and sorted things out

Then I'll discover what life's all about

The thing is I found, much to my sorrow

The time never came it was always tommorow

Post Haste

I'm starting a blog - I felt a real need

I'll write the rhymes that someone might read

They'll be happy or sad or about some world news

Musings of mine, expressing my views

Will anyone follow -  let's wait and see

Maybe the reader will be only me

If you're the first, then I'm overjoyed

It's a nice feeling, my confidence bouyed

Goodbye for now and I'll promise to try

To come up with something each day that goes by!